You will have to forgive me, as this isn’t my usual uplifting and helpful post, but I just need to let you in on the other side of me, the side that struggles and storms just like you maybe.
For the past week I’ve been battling with myself and the counteractive voice in my head, but it not just any voice, it’s my own, and I’m losing the battle, real, real bad.
Remember in the movies where people have the angel on one shoulder and devil on the other? That’s what it feels like. I’ve been trying to get better, doing things to keep me busy, thinking positively etc, but sometimes no matter how hard you try, the sun just doesn’t shine.
I haven’t been this low in a long time, and while I sit here writing this post, crying my eyes out, wishing I could pluck the courage up to kill myself, I struggle to see an end for me.
I see myself in the mirror, a useless, ugly, fat woman, who just needs to disappear and stop bothering people around her with her unfathomable mental issues. No one will ever understand, and I feel like I’m so stupid for even being alive. There are so many sick people out there fighting for their lives with terminal illnesses, why can’t they take my life? I can’t live like this, I’m so tired of myself and the voice in my head, making everyday so hard to get by.
I’m angered by everything, I can physically feel the anger and pain eating at me, the voice telling me I need to hurt myself, to do something so I can physically feel the pain and not just inside. I start punching myself, scratching myself so hard it makes me squeal, and insulting myself saying things I believe and know to be true.
What is wrong with me. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be angry, jealous, in pain, and hurting all the time.
I just want to be able to live my life without battling against myself, why does there have to be something wrong with me?
Why do I have to be like this?
Why do I have to be around?
Why can’t I just die? Just why.
With Love, Luj x