No matter how hard I try…

No matter how hard I try, I’m never truly happy.

No matter how hard I try, my emotions always get the better of me.

This week, to say the least, has been really hard. Not because anything has happened per say, I’ve just been struggling, struggling a lot more than usual. I find myself not being able to walk down the street without tearing up because I’m paranoid that people are looking at me, thinking how ugly I am, how fat I am.

“ It often feels that I’m doing so much trying, and I’m not getting very far”

No matter how hard I try, I’ll never look like the girls on TV or in photos.

It’s hurting me that I don’t look like them; I don’t have the money to afford surgery, and I probably never will. I’ll never be enough, not for me or anyone else. I don’t understand why I don’t have the choice to be here or not, it hurts too much to do it myself.

Its got to the point where I don’t want to leave my apartment, I don’t want anyone to see me or look at me. I feel like I don’t belong and I’m so tired of it. I’m tired of me. I used to attend classes at a gym to help with my confidence, but I quit because I got emotional, started crying and became breathless (all before I even started exercising)

It often feels like I’m doing so much trying, and I’m not getting very far. I know it takes a long time, but I’m verging on 4 years now, and it just seems to progress worse and worse until my suicidal thoughts return to haunt me again. I become so lonely that I feel that I’m a nuisance to anyone that I could talk to, I don’t want to burden anyone more than I already do; I dispise myself, so how can I expect anyone else to think any different?

My love of creativeness, face masks and pampering become almost obsolete. What’s the point? I’m always going to look like how I am, everything I do will look shit because it’s me, crappy, ugly, stretch marked Laura.

I find myself going to bed at 8pm in the evening, just so I don’t have to be awake, sleeping up to 10 hours a night, and still waking up exhausted. It would be so much easier if I could just POOF, disappear. It would be easier for me, and most importantly, everyone around me.

No matter how hard I wish, hope and try, I wake up wishing I didnt.

Mental health isn’t all rainbows and mindfulness techniques, the darker side needs enlightenment and awareness too. If you’re feeling similar emotions to me, have a warm drink, make a hot water bottle and read a book (preferably not mental health related) snuggled in bed. Busy your mind.

With Love, Luj x

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